Ballad of a German Shepherd


“You like Pop music? Jack Daniels? Pedigree Chum? I have in my room, come, we party…”

Helga glanced nervously towards her Pimp, a surly blonde haired brute by the name of Helmud. He’d been a shepherd, in better times, better times when they’d run through fields feeling like one being, embracing flocks of sheep in a chaotic dance that she’d hoped would never end. But then the wall came down and his heart had broken. He’d said they’d go to Crufts, he said there’d be rosettes, milk bones, glory – but they’d never made it beyond Paris and that first flourish of wealth.

‘Just enough for a ticket Helga, to London, you shall be best in show again! He only wants to stroke you…’

But there was no stroking, no belly rubs, just a leather collar and a dark room. Even now, as the Saudi Prince flipped a biscuit towards her derisively she could dream. A dream of small fences to be jumped over, poles to be avoided, the howl and growl of competition. But it was hollow now, a paradise polluted by lies. Helmud nodded and the Prince tugged at her lead.

Close your eyes, Helga, close your eyes and think of Bavaria…

Milky Bar Way

Coming soon, to a brain near you

One of these days novel – POW – straight to the moon!

Just a brief update today to distract me from a brief distraction from work on my next novel (Codename: The Russian Dwarf Hamster Almanac (subject to change)). The brief distraction from the novel is either a long short story or a short novella, depending on your point of view, which I hope to have done within the next couple of weeks.

Initially it was for a magazine submission but things have a habit of spiralling out of control. And now it’s kind of gone beyond the length of most magazines, let alone their gap for short stories. It’ll either be released part by part on this site for free (!) or as a proper ebook for a low low price (99p?) depending on what it comes out as in the end.

Not much by way of details I can share at the moment but if you check back soon I’ll see if I can throw up a short sample. Gotta keep my air of mystery after all right? What I will say though is ‘Sci Fi’ – although that means nothing really does it? Such is the joy of writin’.

The Author

Ten Minute Interview

I’d kind of forgotten that I’d done this interview. After all, me talking about myself could just as easily have been done in a moment of weakness at a London bus stop waiting for a night-time double decker to carry me home as on an actual, proper website. But for once it wasn’t just the incoherent ramblings of a random nutter on the street, it was the slightly coherent ramblings of a random nutter on the internet – one who’s written a couple of books.

My belated thanks to Ten Minute Interviews for asking me to spout some profound wisdom for them and you can read the interview I did here.


Laikanist Times

Another day another obligatory plug for the splendiferous ‘Laikanist Times’ – enlightenment in novella form and still available for free here.

Laikanist Times was an odd one. Written in fits and starts through times of excess, confusion and random travelling which bordered on self abuse it came out as the apple of my eye. Not to everyone’s taste, I’ve since discovered, as is often the case at the strange and surreal end of things, but still something I’m proud of.

It’s long since broken through the 1,000 download mark, which I always thought was quite an impressive number and by now it should be closing in on 2,000 although I make a duty of not checking how well anything I’ve written is doing for fear of actually finding out. And rough and ready though it remains it’ll always have a little corner of my heart trapped in its doggy jaws. For something that came out so strange and disjointed it’s still probably the most immediate and ‘easy’ thing I’ve ever written, fuelled as it was by nothing more abstract than my own desire to sit down and flood words on to the screen.

Anyway, download it.

Author Dylan Orchard's Website